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Last weekend I went to hear Elizabeth Gilbert speak about her new book, “All the Way to the River.” The book is her memoir about accompanying her partner, Rayaa to her death. I haven’t said this aloud to many people, but I’m in the midst of writing a memoir about my journey with Art. Writing it has been cathartic, moving and powerful. So often I have struggled to find words that capture the complexity of emotions, the depth of love and the anguish of grief I have felt while sitting at my keyboard. Naturally I want to hear how others describe their experience of the same.

As I sat listening to Elizabeth tell her story, I became short of breath. In her story, I saw so many elements of mine and Art. In Rayaa, Elizabeth found an aliveness and freedom she had never known herself. Rayaa seemingly had a joyful creativity matched with equal disregard for the opinions of others. These specific qualities had drawn me to Art, too. I marveled at his clarity about how he wanted his life to be. His vast open-heartedness drew me close, like a roaring fire on a cold winter night. At the same time, it called me forth, to actually step into the fire…to claim my own life, to find my heart’s deepest longing, and to make it all real.

Elizabeth read a passage from her book in which Rayaa appeared to her in a visitation. During it, Rayaa expressed her love for Elizabeth as well as her desire for Elizabeth to stop looking for her and embrace her own life and freedom. Rayaa assured her that she’d come to meet her at the end of her own life. Gulp.

My heart raced and tears welled up in the corner of my eyes. I know the feeling all too well (but you’ll have to buy my memoir for more details :)). It has taken me years to stop looking for Art or trying to figure out where or what he is. I’ve developed my own sense of connection to him and have come to view him as an integrated part of who i’ve become. His hopes, courage, and curiosity live in me and through me. I don’t have to look anymore. The freedom he helped me get a taste of has become a beacon, a guidepost for moving forward. Looking backwards for him doesn’t help me move forward. Turning inward, though, to my sense of freedom, hope, courage and love does.

All of these thoughts have been churning around in my head since hearing Elizabeth Gilbert. Then, this morning, I woke up and immediately recalled a powerful dream from the night before. In the dream I was about to take a trip and was getting ready to go. It dawned on me that I needed to tell Art I was going, so grabbed my phone and looked for him in my contacts. He was no longer there. Wait. Where is he? Where did he go? I panicked. I remembered his phone number and began dialing it. His name did not appear even when I dialed the number. I hung up uncertain as to what to do next. Then I did the only thing I could think to do – I went. I moved. I took the step. I was calm.

There is the reality of grief. Your person is no longer in any of the usual places – your phone, your bed, your sofa, or the dinner table. And yet you call them and look for them sometimes out of sheer habit or deep longing. All the while life pulls you forward, sometimes gently and sometimes as if in a tug of war. Eight years later and it’s all still there.

The dream didn’t feel as though it was telling me I had to move on. More so, it felt as if it was giving me a powerful image of what grief has sometimes feels like. It didn’t scare me, make me feel badly or make me think I needed to do anything differently. Looking back is not inherently good or bad. Sometimes it just connects us to memories that are warm, loving or funny. It puts me in touch with Art’s courage, curiosity and openness that has, in turn, fueled my own freedom.

I no longer look for him but rather just try to stay open for signs of him…for affirmation of his impact on me…for confirmation of his wisdom…for a nudge towards more of the openness and freedom he wanted for me and all of us! I’ve come to feel, perhaps for the first time in my life, that freedom comes from trusting myself…trusting that I am whole…trusting my intuition and intentions…trusting I have what I need inside of me. Don’t we all?

~ by Art on September 23, 2025.

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